Alarm clock 5:01

There is a very real longing for a lost parent. The pain in my heart is too much. As the days have passed there have been moments when my grief is so overwhelming it takes my breath away.

Today it’s snowing. In fact, it’s storming. Usually dad would call me and say something along the lines of: “did you fill up the tub?” or “did you get your storm chips?” When I realize that phone call won’t be happening- and our phone calls are now memories, and the pain becomes unbearable. There have been several moments since his passing where I’ve wanted to tell him something. Instead, I look up to the sky and whisper, “I miss you dad.”

My dad suffered with an auto immune disease and lived debilitating ramifications for the last 4 years of his life. The last few months have been horrific. There were times near the end of his life when I thought it would be better if his pain and suffering ended. Towards the end of his life I stood by his bed side feeling helpless and begging god to be merciful.

I couldn’t be more wrong. Despite how sick my dad was, and how he suffered, I was not prepared to say goodbye. I was not prepared for the pain of missing my dad. My rational mind knows my dad is pain free and at peace, but my heart is shattered. I miss him beyond words.

When someone you love dies, a part of you sits down and the rest of you moves on because you know you have too. With my dad’s death, there is a part of me that seemingly refuses to move on, to accept that life could be so cruel. The hurt, confused part of me has sat down in a dazed rebellion and the rest of me keeps moving, trying to forge a new life, to get through.

But I know you’re near dad.

The alarm clock just told me so.

Thank you for that.

Ash xo

One thought on “Alarm clock 5:01

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